But my burned eyes can no longer see colour
by random-k
Summary: a Sayori story, starting from pre-game


But my burned eyes can no longer see color

* * *

 _I own nothing but my own ideas._

 _The titles are from the poems._

 _Despite being protags best friend, we know the least about Sayori's interests. So I gave her art._

* * *

 _The easiest world to get lost in_  
 _Is one where everything can be found_

* * *

Empty. A sort of hollowness fills her. Nothing seems capable of filling it.

She works on projects she has started, trying to feel involved, trying to get interested again. To see why she was so interested in the first place.

But there's no use. Nothing seems to be able to lift this. There is no problem. No stressful event, no instigator, or indication of why she feels empty. No warning of its onslaught.

Nothing is wrong, and that bothers her, because why is she feeling like this, when everything should be fine.

* * *

Sometimes, she wonders, why she should get up. She knows what will happen today. The same thing that happens everyday.

Wake up too early. Eat (maybe). School, that feels too long, and without anything really happening. Maybe small things, like new homework, or a surprise in her lunch. Nothing life changing. Then, she will go home. Maybe read. Maybe go visit her friend.

Though she hasn't been doing much of that lately. Has she been doing much of anything lately? It just feels like she lies around, maybe sleeps. Nothing gets done, and she doesn't have the energy or will to start it. Maybe, automatic, mechanical things, like homework, but only late at night, last minute.

Its endless. This continuing sameness to everything. Sometimes, she thinks she wants to scream. But she can't open her mouth, and even if she did, no sound would come out. She doesn't have the energy to do anything about it.

Maybe, she might fall down the stairs one day, and the sharp pain of a broken arm, might clear the fog in her head.

She doesn't try it. Equally likely, that in a mood like this, she wouldn't get up to find the phone, and pass out from the pain.

* * *

 _Where is the Zest? The passion to do something? Anything._

She lacks drive. She's not going to anything meaningful. Most people her age have ambitions. They have clubs. Sometimes she wants to try, but she has tried. She knows her enthusiasm will wane, that going will become more of a chore then a treat, and that she will stop interacting, stop showing up. That no one will care.

Is it because she is too good at excuses? Or are they too kind to call her out on her bullshit? Sometimes she wishes they would call her out on it. Then she takes it back, because what if they leave her behind ,like they should. Could she handle that? She's kind of a useless burden, and she really should, but selfishly, she can not bring herself to go through with it.

She doesn't deserve them.

* * *

She hasn't painted in seven months. Hasn't so much as picked up a pencil. No wonder she is not as good as some of her classmates, she does not practice enough. Anything she has managed to learn has probably atrophied from neglect. She doesn't deserve to have spent all that money on lessons last year, what with her not having the passion to take this seriously.

She has trouble committing to things. Everything else seems secondary to what she is supposed to be focusing on, and she ends up doing none of the things she said she would do. Making lunch. Art practice. Showering. All fall to the wayside in the wake of the all consuming void of emptiness.

 **Stop**

 _Your not an artist, you're a fraud. Fake. And they knew it. What were you doing there? Just wasting time, you hack. You are a failure. You didn't deserve the time your talented teachers spent on you. You are nothing more than a burden to them. Why are you pretending? You didn't even appreciate them. Look at what you are doing with those lessons. NOTHING. J.U.S.T. N. O. T. H. I. N. G_

 _All this money on art supplies is wasted._

 _Bullshitter_

 **Stop please**

 _You are a lazy, unmotivated mess Sayori_

When thoughts like these come, she can't deny it. After all, nothing is untrue. She's not practicing. Her supplies gather more dust by the day. She can not sustain this. She can not afford it.

She should get a job. Pay for all of this. But she's afraid. Afraid that the manager will see through her bullshit. Her bad time management skills. Her excuses for it. She's also afraid that she will get a job, and not know how to back out if she hates it. She shouldn't back out anyways, if she's lucky enough to get the job. She's afraid she won't have the confidence to stick up for herself.

 _You can't even show up on time_

What the hell is she doing with herself!

* * *

She doesn't know how to confront things. If left alone, they just fade away, particularly friendships. She always feels guilty about it, and still manages to avoid it, rather then do it, and face repercussions.

She's going to lose her best friend, if she doesn't do anything. Their friendship will just fade away, like rocks in a river, turned to sand.

She remembers, sometimes, that she once felt happy and confident. She looks back at those pictures, and wonders " _what happened to us."_

But she happened. Spending more time numb and in the void, then out in the world. Listening to that voice, the one that tells her " _Not good enough."_

Art, friends, school, whatever she does, those same echoing words.

" _Not good enough, not good enough, Not good enough, not good en-"_

"Sayori" a far off voice calls out, interrupting her intrusive thoughts. She looks around, about to conclude she was just hearing things, when she saw Monika running up.

"Would you design the pamphlets for the literature club?"

"The school has a literature club!"

"Truth be told, it doesn't have a lot of members, besides me. I'm just starting it!"

"Wow. Are you still a part of the debate club?"

"No, although I have started music lessons."

"That's amazing Monika! I would be happy to make pamphlets for the literature club!"

"Would you want to join? I know you have used poetry, in the creation of your artwork in the past, and I think you have an ear for it."

"Really?"

"Yes! In fact, you could be its Vice President!"

"I'll think about it." She has every intention of saying yes. But first, she wants to give herself an ultimatum. She has to make the designs first. She hasn't been this excited to do something with art, in forever.

* * *

It's not that she doesn't have talent. She lacks the drive to channel it properly.

 _In the end, it's like catching smoke with your fingers._

She decides she needs direction, and calls Monika, asking if they can meet at the library.

She brings her sketchbook, and sits outside with Monika, brainstorming possible designs for the pamphlets. It's a lot of fun, and she goes home that night, feeling energized.

She thinks about reaching out to her best friend, again. Maybe she can invite him to the Literature club. Maybe they could reconnect through it. That's a lot of wishful thinking, she reflects sadly. He prefers to play games, instead of reading.

* * *

Natsuki and Yuri, are two people who join the literature club, and both are very different kinds of artists.

Yuri is a reader. The type that reads long books, in an incredible amount of time. She's intensely passionate about it, and that both thrills and scares Sayori. She has dreams about writing someday, and occasionally looks up references on her computer. She has a lot of weapons and crime pages under her bookmarks. She loves Horror, so Sayori assumes she is a stickler for the small details.

Natsuki comes from it from a different directions. She loves Manga, and is very much ready to defend her reading choices to doubters. Sayori likes to look at them on occasion, and admire the art styles. It's not quite her, but she has to admit, it's beautifully done.

She makes cupcakes sometimes, which Sayori is always happy to have, though she feels a bit bad about it, because she should be eating healthier, and consistently, and not eating most of the cupcakes Natsuki worked hard to make. Her stomach has long gone soft from her decision to stop gym class, but it doesn't need to be getting bigger from a diet of junk food. Too bad it's all she feels like eating lately.

Still, being vice president is kind of exciting. She gets to spend a lot of time with Monika, coming up with ideas, and Monika is so excited about this, it's easy to let herself get swept up in her enthusiasm. It doesn't always last, but it's nice to get out of her own head some days.

She should talk to her best friend sooner, rather than later, before he slips away into a game, or she slips into the void. She has an excuse, and hopefully, if he agrees, she can see him more often, and have a common topic of interest.

She knows herself well enough that she will probably back out several times, unless she sets up a due date. She tells Natsuki, to make cupcakes, and asks Monika to give her an ultimatum.

Monika looks at her a little strangely, and smiles.

"If it helps you talk to him again, then it's worth it! "

Sayori feels a little excited by it all, which is like the sun peeking out from behind the clouds.


End file.
